My Bad Temper And Feeling Guilty

I lost my temper this morning.

Yesterday the school had sent a letter home saying the teachers would be on strike today, and there would be no school. So I let my daughter stay up a half hour later than usual. However, early this morning I found out that teacher's were no longer going on strike and that students were expected to go to school. 

Sidney was really tired when I woke her up, and disappointed because I made the mistake of telling her last night she was going to get to stay home today. This made for a really cranky little girl. She was giving me attitude, whipping her shirt in my face while I tried to dress her and screaming at me. 

I completely lost my temper. No matter what I said or tried I couldn't get her to listen or treat me with respect. 

She ended up being late for school, and we parted angry and upset with one another. This is the first time I have sent her off to school feeling that way and now I don't feel angry, just childish and sick to my stomach. I feel so guilty, and unworthy of forgiveness. I'm the parent here, right? Why didn't I act like it? 

I definitely need to refresh my memory on how to deal with this type of behaviour properly, and push my own tiredness away the next time.

In the mean time though, I get to pick Sidney up in ten minutes and all I want to do is hug her so tight, and never let her go and to apologize over and over again.

Does anyone else ever have days like this? Do other parents lose their temper, and feel quilty afterwards?

Thanks,

My Daughter Wants A Sibling!

Sidney with her two cousin Faith and Lexi, 2010

My older sister Beth is pregnant with her second child. I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled I am for her, and how thrilled I am to have another baby in the family! Her daughter Lexi is also very excited to become a big sister.

However, my daughter Sidney has been begging me for a baby sister or brother since one of her friends at school last year became a big sister. Now that her cousin is “getting” a younger sister she’s been asking me every day.

The thing is, I really don’t want to have another child. Not now, and probably not ever. I can’t explain why I don’t want another child, maybe it’s because I’m really just not a baby person. I love children, especially my child, but babies are a lot of work and I really just want to take some time to work on a career, myself and my current family members.

When I stop to think about it I feel really guilty. Growing up I spent a lot of time with my sisters and cousins. I always had a playmate, had someone to talk to, someone to help me get through those family events we didn’t want to go to, someone else who understood what it was like growing up with my family (our great, wonderfully weird family). I can’t begin to understand what it would be like to be an only child. I just keep hoping that having cousins close to Sidney's age will be good enough.

Am I being selfish by not having a second child? As guilty as I feel, I don’t think I am. We’re not in a financial position to have another child. Living in my parents house, without a job or a post-secondary education really isn’t what I had planned for myself and Sidney when I found out I was pregnant. Adding another child to that equation would feel wrong.

I know that within time I will be working again, that by September I will be in college and by living at my parents house I am able to pay off my debt and save money.

But how can I expect a five year old child to understand any of that? I can’t, and I don’t, so it’s a difficult topic - one I keep trying to avoid.

What are your opinions on having multiple children vs. an only child?

Thanks,

Christmas Parade

Christmas Parade 2009

Tonight is the Christmas parade, and I'm not there. I can't help but feel guilty about it (I actually cried for a little bit), but what can I do? 

Some how I've managed to get strep throat and my whole body is feeling it. My throat hurts, my muscles hurt, I have a headache and I feel slightly disoriented when standing for too long. 

It came about last night. My mom and I were out shopping with the Sidney and her cousin Faith, when I started to feel really awful. By 10 p.m. last night I knew I was sick. This morning I realized I had strep throat, but the muscle aches and headaches were gone so I showered and dressed and went out with my mom and the kids again for some more Christmas shopping. Well, that was a bad idea because now I feel awful again and I have to miss the parade. 

To be honest, Christmas parades really aren't that fun. It's cold outside, we never get a good view, they last forever and by the end of it the kids are tired and cranky, but I still hate missing out on it. I love seeing how excited Sidney is throughout the parade, especially when Santa and Mrs. Claus go by. 

I'm just glad her Daddy took her along with her Aunt and cousin. At least she's not missing out. And even though I feel bad for not going, I know Sidney doesn't mind. I was going to try and go, but I was too irritable and my grumpiness would have ruined it. I'm also a little bit sad about not being able to get pictures... Another blank spot in my family albums lol.

Is it just me who feels guilty over simple things? Or is it a mom thing? 

Thanks,