Thursday, September 19, 2013

Changes Need to be Made

I realised something today.
While riding the bus to school I started thinking about who I am, and I realised that I don't exactly know who I am. I think that happens a lot when you're in a relationship for a long time. Whether it's with a significant other, or a best friend, or a family member - anyone you spend a lot of time with. You pick up little things here and there: hobbies, slang, mannerisms, opinions, etc.
Do you get what I'm saying?
And I realised that maybe I've picked up certain things on purpose because I don't really have good self esteem. It's difficult to say, but I have never had a good relationship with myself.
I feel like I'm always trying really hard to be something I'm not. And when I stop trying to be something I'm not, I withdraw from social interaction.

To say I'm confused is an understatement.

There are days when I feel confident and free to be myself - someone who is optimistic yet very negative, whiney, sarcastic and easily humoured by ridiculous things. I like to listen to the same song on repeat until I get sick of it, and I dance around like a fool over and over again. I like movies that make me think, that make me question humanity, and other times I just want to watch people getting killed in the cheesiest, goriest way possible. I like to laugh, I love to cry, and I enjoy being angry. Is that so wrong?

Then there are times when I stop to think about it, and I feel like no body likes those qualities in a person and I should change.

Whenever I try to change though, I get really frustrated. Sometimes I think I want to be someone completely different, and other times I absolutely love the way I am.

This has been an ongoing process for the past little while. It's so frustrating trying to be comfortable with who I am, to embrace my individuality and to accept myself. But it has to be done.

You are probably going to see a lot of changes around my blog as I learn more about myself and how to love who I am. And I will be sure to post more about this topic in the near future!

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