Warning: Personal Post
The reason I'm sharing this personal and emotional story is because those of you who do follow my blog, I just want you to know what is going on in my head over the next little while. Why I'm doing the things I'm doing and such. And it's also why I haven't been posting much lately. I felt I needed to say this for you to understand what's to come. Things are going to be quite different around here... in my life, in my head and on my blog.
I never thought I would write a post like this in my life, but here it goes.
Earlier this year many things happened that weren't exactly positive. Nick and I leaned on one another for support to get through that time. After we managed to get our own aparmtnet, the two of us couldn't wait to dive into our new life together.
But this summer was a strange one. One filled with heavy emotions, good and bad, and eventually Nick and I came to the realization that while we do still love and care for one another, it just isn't working any more. The attraction and pull towards another that we used to share has simply faded away and though we tried to bring it back it just wouldn't. Maybe it just couldn't. And so we eventually agreed that it's time we went our separate ways.
At first the idea of breaking up with the person I thought was my one true love was absolutely devastating. I didn't (don't?) want to lose him because not only is he the father of my child, my first love and support system, he was my absolute best friend. I say don't because I wish things could go back to the way they were, that we could feel those feelings and want the same things in life, but it just isn't going to happen. It's not going to be easy to lose that part of our relationship and while we have to maintain a respectful relationship for our daughter I know that Nick and I can no longer be close like we used to.
Breaking up comes with many challenges though and depending on the situation those challenges can greatly vary.
For Nick and me, our life was built around one another. Everything we have we have purchased together or for each other, or received as joint gifts. We've grown up together, since I was 16 and he was 19.We have a daughter together, a whole life together. And now we have to figure out how to separate all of that as equally and fairly as possible.
Not to mention the emotional aspects of breaking up. Anyone who has ever broken up can surely relate to those feelings. While this break-up is mutual, it's still extremely difficult for me. I'm losing someone after all.
Most people won't understand why two people who love and care for each other are breaking up. Sometimes I don't even understand it.
It feels right though.
In simple terms, we grew apart. We want different things in life now, and trying to mesh our very different ideas and goals together was exhausting and frustrating.
I'm still scared. I've never lived on my own before. I definitely won't be reading any Stephen King novels for the next few months. I have no idea how I'm going to make things work financially, but I'm sure it is possible. I don't know how to be by myself, I've been in a relationship for almost one third of my life.
I'm also a single mom now. Sidney is taking it surprisingly well at the moment, but I have no idea how she's going to feel about it later on. And of course, as well as helping Sidney deal with this change, I have to allow myself to grieve. There will be nights when I will curl up in my bed and cry, or when I feel the need to beat up my pillow, but within time I'm sure it will become less frequent and eventually it will stop.
This is new and scary territory for me, one I've never explored before.
I came up with a plan though. A plan to help ease the pain of my loss, and to help me move forward in a positive way. Hopefully with all of my plans working in action, I will come out a better person.
Tomorrow I will be sharing my plan with you guys.