Who am I? And What Keeps Me Sane.

I often lose sight of myself. 

Who am I? What do I want out of life? Where am I going? What am I doing? What am I even thinking? Am I going crazy? Have I already gone crazy? Who is this crazy lady talking to herself?

Oh yeah, it's me.
 

 

 

Hello, world!

 

And yet I still don't know myself.

I am 23 years old tomorrow. I don't care for birthday wishes, presents or parties, but I do want ice cream cake. Hold the candles.

In my (short) life I have learned many things. I have strove to be a better person, and still have fallen flat on my face. Often actually. And in public. But besides my physical clumsiness (which Nick refers to as being absent-minded, not clumsy), I feel like I am constantly struggling to stay up on my feet mentally, spiritually and emotionally. 

There are things that have helped me, though.

Journals

 Picture from DarleneBNemeth

 

Since I first learned how to write I have been writing in a journal. It's the one thing in my life that has kept me sane. Writing down what's going on in my life, my feelings, my hopes, dreams and goals, has some how kept me from a complete and total meltdown. It's helped me keep track of my goals and to-do lists. More importantly though, it's a way to talk about your feelings without having to confess all your deepest, darkest secrets to an actual human being. By writing everything down you can look back on what you were thinking a little bit later with a fresh perspective, and help you realize how completely insane you were. 

The Secret

My Lifesaving Book!

 Picture from The Secret

Yes, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne has been helping me become a more grateful and optimistic person. Over a year ago I would have laughed at this because I thought it seemed very silly. "If you can believe it, it will be yours!" It sounds kind of silly if you think into it too much, but after reading The Secret, and then later on The Magic, I have noticed some major changes in my attitude. From a recovering pessimist, I highly recommend reading The Magic. 

Art

My desk at D3 Artworks Studio

 D3 Artworks Inc.

Last year I had the great fortune to be able to participate in an art program at D3 Artworks. I met a lot of cool people, learned some new skills and had some amazing experiences. All of the employees were so generous, encouraging, understanding and motivating. They made me feel good about myself, and even helped boost my confidence and self-esteem. It's because of the people at D3 Artworks that I was able to start this blog, and open my Etsy shops. They gave me the courage to apply for college and look into funding. They also helped me feel more comfortable with myself. I can't believe I was lucky enough to have that life changing experience. I want everyone in the world to be able to come across something like that one day if they haven't already.

I have a long way to go.

It's been really difficult the past couple of years. Financially I've been struggling to keep up with our bills. Emotionally I've been struggling to feel happy because things aren't exactly how I want them to be. Stress has caused a lot of strain on me physically; weight gain, acne and bad habits. 

And still...

I believe that we can all be whoever we want to be, have the things we want, and live the life we dream of. There will always be obstacles and challenges, but that's what makes us stronger.

This life has been one hell of a ride, and yet I have no regrets. I wouldn't change anything, because the events that have led up to this point have shaped me into the person I am today. 

Instead I continue to look ahead while trying my best to enjoy the present.  

What are some things that keep you sane?

Thanks, 

My Next Step - Waking Up Earlier

My wake up time goal.

Wake Up Earlier

I can proudly say that I have been getting my 8 cups of water for the past week. Simply by keeping my large water bottle near me at all times has proved to be the best solution for this problem. 

It's kind of motivating to accomplish a goal, even a simple one such as drinking enough water. I feel more confident in my next step to a healthier, happier and productive lifestyle which is...

Waking up early.

Time and time again I have read so many amazing benefits to waking up early. It has proven to be a very difficult goal me for because I'm the type of person who stays up late. In fact it's 11:30 p.m. right now and I don't feel tired.

During the week when Sidney has to go to school we wake up at 8:30 a.m. giving ourselves less than half an hour to get ready. That's not a lot of time and usually involves a lot of rushing around like a maniac. Not the best way to start the day, right? Talk about a stressful beginning. Plus, I'm just a complete grouch in the mornings. I can honestly say that I'm the one that everyone in my family is scared to wake up. Pretty sure Sidney's taking after me.

I'm hoping that in the future I will willingly wake up at 6 a.m., or even 5 a.m., but I know that is not realistic for the time being. Instead my goal is to wake up at 8 a.m. sharp. Without hitting snooze! And the kicker - I want to do this on weekends, too (as of right now my weekend wake-up time? 10 a.m.!)!

I'm starting tomorrow. I'm not going to start a movie right now. I'm not going to read an entire novel right now. I'm not even going to sign into Etsy! After this post it's bed time. 

Okay, I might read for a little while... But for no more than an hour! Then it's bed time. Besides, once I reach my wake up time goal of 6a.m. I can look forward to watching the sunrise.

Are you a morning person? Or a night owl? 

Good night, 

Cole

Week in Review - Not So Good

Decluttering my belongings. Good bye magazines!

 

Week in Review:

I just want to start off by saying that this week hasn't been the greatest. Everyone in the house has been sick, there's been a lot of tension and my head just isn't where it should be and instead is completely lost in space or something. I've been having a difficult time staying positive this week, and my temper has been really short. 

Well, it's Saturday now and a long weekend so I'm glad to be able to put the past behind me and enjoy the now which includes laying in my bed watching Monsters Inc.

Personal Life:

Parenting - Sidney got her report card this week and she has been doing so good in school this year. She also got invited to a birthday party which she attended today, little miss popular ;). 

Growth - Remember how I've been weeding through all my junk? Well I managed to continue with that and today I got rid of all my magazines. And by got rid of I mean I put them all in a box and out of my room. So technically they're still around but I've been putting things aside for our annual May yard sale. Magazines aren't a huge seller, but it's better than throwing them all out (recycle of course). For 10 cents each I'm sure people might buy them for reading, scrapbooking or crafting. The process of simplifying my life is a long one.

To be honest, I would just donate all my stuff but my debt keeps demanding I pay it off. Whatever I don't sell at my yard sales always goes to charity thrift stores though. Win-win for everyone.

Health - We have all been sick here! Tired, groggy, snotty and coughing. My mom and sister also had the pleasure of accompanying the flu. Needless to say, it's been a rough week. I missed two appointments and some sleep. Sidney missed some school and has been driving me crazy. I have been drinking a ton of water though, so that's good.

I also got a new Kindle book called Luxury of Less: The Five Rings of Minimalism by Karol Gajda which I found not only very entertaining but also informational and inspiring. It seriously made me want to just throw out all of my belongings and take off on a world adventure. My goal towards a minimalist lifestyle is beginning to seem more real now.

Professional:

Work - Job postings have begun to increase finally! So I've been emailing and handing out resumes like crazy. I really hate those online applications, but have been doing those, too. There's this job down the street from here, a bakery, and they're hiring, again, and I REALLY want that job. I walked in there with my resume and smiled and was polite and told myself I was gonna get the job! I'm hoping for a call back next week. 

Etsy - Up to 22 sales for Little Shop of Treasures, with some great new items on the way! And Little Shop of Hemp is about to get it's first sale - a customized key chain. So all is good there! Plus, I registered for a table at Bloomin Earth Festival which is an outdoor market for upcycled items and vintage treasures. They also have ecofriendly crafts and information booths. My shop needs to get approved still, but I have my fingers crossed. I think  I could really use an event like this to boost my confidence. 

Writing - I have a book idea. I don't want to say anything about it yet, but I'm going to start doing some research this week. 

How's your week been?

Thanks, 

Mixed Emotions That Come With Pregnancy

Gigantic Pregnant Belly!

I felt like writing this post because I think that pregnancy can be an interesting topic, and although my pregnancy was back in 2007 I still remember it quite clearly (and maybe my journals helped with my memory a bit).

Anyway…

 

Nine months of pregnancy can seem like a lifetime while it’s happening. 

It can be the most difficult nine months of your life (so far). There’s a rollercoaster of emotions that comes with pregnancy. You’re excited yet terrified. Then you’re happy but sad. You feel ecstatic and at the same time devastated. Or at least I went through all of that, but that might of had something to do with being a teen girl who never planned on having a baby or a husband.

Does anyone ever actually plan on having children? Okay, there are probably a lot of people who do, but I know for a fact that there are also a ton of people who didn’t. 

 

I for one did not plan on having a child.

Well, I was 17 at the time and who really plans on getting pregnant at 17? Not many people around here.

If I didn’t “accidentally” get pregnant I don’t think I would have ever chose to have a child. I was never fond of children. Now I know that I would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things if life had it worked out that way. (You can read more about this here).

Finding out you’re pregnant unexpectedly can be one of the most terrifying feelings. Ever watch the movie Knocked Up? Guaranteed everyone’s experience is different, but sometimes our reactions and feelings can be very similar. 

When I first became pregnant it was like some how I just knew.

Or maybe I was just super paranoid. Well, the first sign was that my stomach felt weird. I felt queasy often, but not in a flu-like way, just a little nauseous now and then. After I missed my period I started to panic, but I kept my cool by reminding myself that I was still very irregular. Two weeks, still no period; I bought a pregnancy test. I still remember that day very well. I asked my mom for money so Nick and I could shop at Value Village, and then we walked across the street to Shoppers Drug Mart to purchase my first and only pregnancy test.

That pink cross felt like a nightmare, a curse, like I was being punished for all the bad things I had ever done. I just wanted to crumple up into a ball and disappear. I felt like my life was over. Morning sickness didn't help me feel any better, either.

I thought to myself, there goes “the best days of my life.” 

No more high school parties, no crazy college experiences or partying in my early twenties at the bar.

Alright, all that didn’t sink in until farther along (and looking back, I haven‘t missed out on anything). My initial reaction was to terminate my pregnancy, but you can’t book your appointment until after you’ve gotten an ultrasound.

So that’s what I did. I refused to go through my family doctor in case he ever mentioned something to my mom or dad and ended up going into a walk-in clinic.

It was love at first site. 

It was at that moment I decided there was no way I could go through with it. One glimpse at the ultrasound and the flicker of her heart beat forced me into motherhood.

I was terrified to tell Nick I wanted to keep our baby. We had just started dating, but I knew I had to tell him sooner or later. I made it clear to him that having the baby was all my choice and I didn’t care if he stuck around or not (although I secretly hoped he would). And obviously he did because 6 years later here we are.

There are times I think to myself, “If only Sidney came after college.” That way I could have had an easier time raising her; having an education, maybe some money and a job, but it didn’t work out that way. 

I believe things have worked out for the best.

Did you plan your first pregnancy? What was your initial reaction?

Thanks,
Cole

A Simple Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day Gift

Valentine's Day... Blah

Okay, I'm going to be honest here.

I'm not against Valentine's Day, but I'm already sick of it. Every where online there have been pictures, quotes, blog posts and even Etsy has been going Valentine-Crazy since mid-January. The internet is more cluttered with Valentine's Day than any store I've been in.

Generally we don't do a lot for Valentine's Day. Restaurants are cramped, line-ups are ridiculous and there really is nothing romantic about having to wait an hour to do something only to be surrounded by hundreds of other couples.

Do you want to know what we do?

We don't buy presents.

• I like to make my family pancakes, with fresh fruit for breakfast.
• I bake a bunch of different cookies for Nick.
• Get Sidney a box of chocolates.
• Sometimes I make a card, or buy a Peanuts card.

And do you know what Sidney hands out at school? She doesn't hand out perfectly frosted cupcakes, handmade cards or anything fancy. She picks a box of cards from the store, we stick a heart shaped sucker on it and done.

I don't dress up.

• I don't wear pink, red or white. I don't dress different from any other day.
• Although I do dress Sidney up, because that's one of the pros to having a daughter.

We don't go out.

We don't go out for fancy dinners, or movie dates. I mean, we might make a fancy dinner and watch a movie. Or we might grab a Timmies coffee and walk through the park. I guess it depends what we're in the mood for on that day. As of right now, I have no idea what we're doing tomorrow.

We just enjoy each other's company.

But that's just me. I don't really make a big deal out of any holiday.

What do you usually do for Valentine's Day?

Thanks,