Mixed Emotions That Come With Pregnancy

Gigantic Pregnant Belly!

I felt like writing this post because I think that pregnancy can be an interesting topic, and although my pregnancy was back in 2007 I still remember it quite clearly (and maybe my journals helped with my memory a bit).

Anyway…

 

Nine months of pregnancy can seem like a lifetime while it’s happening. 

It can be the most difficult nine months of your life (so far). There’s a rollercoaster of emotions that comes with pregnancy. You’re excited yet terrified. Then you’re happy but sad. You feel ecstatic and at the same time devastated. Or at least I went through all of that, but that might of had something to do with being a teen girl who never planned on having a baby or a husband.

Does anyone ever actually plan on having children? Okay, there are probably a lot of people who do, but I know for a fact that there are also a ton of people who didn’t. 

 

I for one did not plan on having a child.

Well, I was 17 at the time and who really plans on getting pregnant at 17? Not many people around here.

If I didn’t “accidentally” get pregnant I don’t think I would have ever chose to have a child. I was never fond of children. Now I know that I would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things if life had it worked out that way. (You can read more about this here).

Finding out you’re pregnant unexpectedly can be one of the most terrifying feelings. Ever watch the movie Knocked Up? Guaranteed everyone’s experience is different, but sometimes our reactions and feelings can be very similar. 

When I first became pregnant it was like some how I just knew.

Or maybe I was just super paranoid. Well, the first sign was that my stomach felt weird. I felt queasy often, but not in a flu-like way, just a little nauseous now and then. After I missed my period I started to panic, but I kept my cool by reminding myself that I was still very irregular. Two weeks, still no period; I bought a pregnancy test. I still remember that day very well. I asked my mom for money so Nick and I could shop at Value Village, and then we walked across the street to Shoppers Drug Mart to purchase my first and only pregnancy test.

That pink cross felt like a nightmare, a curse, like I was being punished for all the bad things I had ever done. I just wanted to crumple up into a ball and disappear. I felt like my life was over. Morning sickness didn't help me feel any better, either.

I thought to myself, there goes “the best days of my life.” 

No more high school parties, no crazy college experiences or partying in my early twenties at the bar.

Alright, all that didn’t sink in until farther along (and looking back, I haven‘t missed out on anything). My initial reaction was to terminate my pregnancy, but you can’t book your appointment until after you’ve gotten an ultrasound.

So that’s what I did. I refused to go through my family doctor in case he ever mentioned something to my mom or dad and ended up going into a walk-in clinic.

It was love at first site. 

It was at that moment I decided there was no way I could go through with it. One glimpse at the ultrasound and the flicker of her heart beat forced me into motherhood.

I was terrified to tell Nick I wanted to keep our baby. We had just started dating, but I knew I had to tell him sooner or later. I made it clear to him that having the baby was all my choice and I didn’t care if he stuck around or not (although I secretly hoped he would). And obviously he did because 6 years later here we are.

There are times I think to myself, “If only Sidney came after college.” That way I could have had an easier time raising her; having an education, maybe some money and a job, but it didn’t work out that way. 

I believe things have worked out for the best.

Did you plan your first pregnancy? What was your initial reaction?

Thanks,
Cole

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